emotions
11.02.24. @ 8:31m
I very easily let my emotions take over me, and I don't like it. I'm like a sponge in the sense that I soak up the emotions of those around me, but then reflect them back. If someone is expressing their anger--even if it's not towards me-- I will get mad, and at them, at that. This is because it feels like they're using me as something to use in order to let off steam, when they can easy just speak to me in a nicer tone.
After all, if I'm not the one you're upset at, so there's no need for you to use that nasty tone with me. We can have a normal conversation in which you speak your troubles to me, and I can listen, but instead you leave me feeling like I've wronged.
learn
10.26.24. @ 12:15pm
One thing I hate about my parents is how they dump their problems on me just because they don't speak English. No one is born knowing a language; I had to learn. So why don't they?
After going through their mail, they hand me their documents and tell me to pay them through my computer because "you know". It's ridiculous. Why am I the one paying my family's bills? Who lets their child handle legal documents? Not that I'm clumsy, but I'm no smarty pants either. I know that the oldest holds more responsibilities than the younger children, but making this a regular thing is weighing down on me.
caught up
10.18.24. @ 8:37pm
I got a lot done today on the website, which I'm very happy about. School-wise/on my report card, I got one B and the rest A's so I'm not too upset (but a little, yes, because that B was an 89%...). I caught up on my Abyss on Genshin with a full 36 stars (naturally) and I'm grinding on HSR again. Sighh, it feels so good to be caught up on schoolwork and chores and have time to spend as I please.
I also realized I should probably organize these entries, specifically by month and year, like many others do. It does seem more organized than what I have going on, but maybe another time.
untitled
10.17.24. @ 12:19pm
CAN YOU SHUT UP AND STOP REPEATING THE SAME THING 10 TIMES A DAY. I HEARD YOU.
inconsiderate
10.15.24. @ 1:23pm
There is nothing more that I hate than inconsiderate people. Do you think I can push my own time around just to be with you? Do you think you can occupy my space just because I'm not using it? You should learn and know your limits, because eventually, I won't be there for you to lean on any longer, and I pray for that day.
Sometimes I think I'm too mean in my head, but I'm only looking out for myself. I don't want to rely on others, so others shouldn't rely on me. I'm not your teddy bear to sob to, to yell at, to punch; I'm my own person, with my own troubles, work, and dreams. On the surface, you think I sit around and do nothing but go to school and sleep around, right? But I worry, too, and I worry a lot. So be a little more considerate the next time you want to waste my time because you have too much.
progress
10.10.24. @ 1:23pm
Lovely day in and lovely day out. That's how I want to spend the next four days. My favorite part is, naturally, when I get to sleep in my warm and cozy bed. For a few hours, I have no responsibilities, no worries, and all the time to myself.
Currently, I'm working on my first shrine (super exciting!!) and I intend to progress some more on Genshin later. I also want to work more on art so that I finally have things to put in my artwork page lol, but it will all come eventually.
storm
10.08.24. @ 9:23am
It feels so liberating to finally type my thoughts out, especially knowing that they will be read by someone, perhaps even years later. That's the beauty of archives/ old websites.
Anyway, today is Tuesday and the rest of the school week is cancelled due to a storm or hurricane. Doesn't matter, it's all just a little rain to me, and I hope that's all it is in the end. This break, however, excites me because I'll have more time to work on my personal projects such as this website and some artwork. I didn't realize how little time this website was leaving me left with, but now that the basic layout of it is coming to an end, I will be given more time to do what I want.
corrosion
10.06.24. @ 2:36am
You have such a way with twisting my current emotion around, it's amazing. Is it your dependency on me that makes you be so... bothersome? It infuriates me, and not only sometimes. But I'm too nice to tell you that even if honesty is key in our togetherness.
You have many little jewels of your own--a chest-full even--and yet I'm still the one you most wear down, even without meaning to. I, on the contrary, have only you as my sole jewel, but I know I don't wear you down as much nor as fast. I am considerate.
It's not your fault. I should be honest, but I'll continue to wear down until I've come to a point where this doesn't even bother me anymore. At that point, you may be ignored by me without even knowing, but you will continue to corrode the little jewel that is me.
regret
09.30.24. @ 8:58pm
After my many breakdowns yesterday that ended with me crying to sleep, I decided to be a less undesireable child. I feel like a waste of money, space, time, and resources, and figured it would be best if I ended it shortly after I turn eighteen. Since I was small, I would sometimes act so bitter to my family and would cry when I regretted it later.
One such memory I will never forget is my fifth grade graduation. At the end of the ceremony, when it was time for us children to walk off in the orderly fashion we practiced, I accidentally walked off too early, and that was the beginning of my frustrations. I don't know why I'm like that-- one little thing can dampen my mood so badly... Anyway, my mom had unexpectedly showed up with balloons and was waiting for me as I walked off to take pictures. But I felt so embarrassed. I remember scrunching my face up in all nasty kinds of ways, like I wanted to get this over with. Then she asked me if I wanted to go home and get checked out of school early but I refused. The children who didn't get checked out simply returned to their classrooms and watched a movie to pass the rest of the time. I was one of those, and I sat on the carpet as Rapunzel played on the large screen, but I couldn't be distracted from the immense guilt and regret I felt.
Soon I found out the consequences of my actions, when I arrived home at the regular hour and was confronted by my dad. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he told me I had made my mom cry. He asked me why I acted the way I did, why I didn't come home early, and to look in the fridge. There I found a cake my mom had intended to surprise me with.
To this day, I still struggle to accept that I make mistakes and to move on from my regrets, but it's so difficult. I am such an imperfect child and I quickly realized that my family would feel so much relief if I had never been born. But I'm trying to be a better person. I want to learn to forgive myself for wishing I was dead, because I've always been a happy soul. Looking back at old pictures of my smiling, silly self makes me feel even more guilty for staining that lovely child.
i must
09.29.24. @ 12:38pm
It's Sunday, which means it's the last day of my weekend before I return to school. I feel okay but I wish I had stuck to the productive tasks I wanted to achieve. My mom wants us to go to church but I don't, at all. I hope that whoever is reading this bit doesn't get offended, religion is just not for me.
Anyway, only two more days until October. That's pretty exciting. That reminds me that I want to draw more because ever since I started school again, I've had almost no time to draw, thanks to this website keeping me busy. But I can't expect to become better if I don't put in the work, so I must.
lone
09.28.24. @ 11:11pm
Today was fun but being in my own company is so liberating, not that I dislike socializing. It's so calming to just listen to Beauty's Confusion as I type my thoughts out. I wish I didn't have to find excuses just to squeeze time for myself because it makes me feel guilty and selfish, as if I don't appreciate the ones I have.
For a long time now I've believed that maybe I was born to be a lone person. Not lonely, but lone. I feel good on my own already, and an extra person or people don't usually feel too bad to be around. There's nothing sad about being lone and I hate when it's viewed that way. I hate being pitied because I hate being looked down on or seen as vulnerable. I wish people would see me and either approach me or forget about me completely.
